Hi Ho

...It's off to work I go.

Today is my last day of freedom; tomorrow I'm at work in my new job. I've grown to my freedom, yet it doesn't seem that I've had any time off at all. Thie first week I struggeled to get out of bed for two days due to my Black Dog, then I spent two days looking after the baby. The next two weeks were spent in Derbyshire and this week has been slower, but it feels only this week have I had any time to me.

Today I'm looking after the bay, getting a hair cut, re-installing my smoke alarms (I took them down to decorate but to my shame they have been missing for about 5 months and Wifey told me last night I must have them back up by tonight).

I started to prepare our cloakroom to be redecorated on Tuesday; I had planned just to give it a like of paint but Wifey has decreed that if we decoate it must be a complete refit (Champange suites are not in vouge at the moment). Being in to construction I am having a difficult choice choosing a suite, I do like some of the Duravit and Laufen stuff, but designer Italian sanitary ware comes at a price and, alothough our house is quite large, it still has a ceiling price wich we need to consider when spending on refurbishment.

Anyway, I must go and get something doe as the baby is trying to kill the CD drive on the laptop......

Looking Up

Well, touch wood, things seem to be looking up. I've heard from my new employer and so far I've been booked on an away day with the national development team. A great day in Swindon..... I'm going on a two day course to learn about some specialist software I'll have to use - two days in Euston and the four days at the Charter Institute of Housing conference in Brighton.

In one year at my soon to be former er employer I only had one day of training and that was organised internally and turned in to merely a group meeting with our boss.

Anyway, I've fed the baby, so now it's time to wake Wifey with a cup of coffee - I'll also cook her poached eggs on toast for breakfast. Eggs for breakfast reminds me of a conversation I had with a girl at a party once when I was at college. My chat up line was "how do you like your eggs in the morning?" Her reply was simple; "unfertilised, now F*** off...."

Homeward Bound Part Deux

So, today I'm homeward bound. Yesterday I finished sorting my fathers house. Everything has been opened, recycled, shredded, binned, or kept for potential posterity. I loaded up my van for the journey back and then got down on my knees and vacuumed the entire house from top to bottom.

There is still the thorny issue of a storage unit which he had which will need clearing as it's costing us monthly at the moment. I've been asking my brother to do it since shortly after mat fathers death. So far he's not even been near the place, despite working not 5 minuets from the storage facility. This is starting to niggle me as it's something unfinished that needs to be concluded. I could come back up north next week to do it, but firstly there are things that need to be done at home, such as decorating, and helping Wifey with her business, which is still busy thankfully. I also miss being away from my family; I feel there are few things that can compare to snuggling up to your partners naked body in bed and holding her until she sleeps. I really miss that.

I feel like, apart from organising the funeral, Wifey and I have done pretty much everything in terms of sorting out the house. If I leave the storage unit to my brother there's no telling how long it will be before it's cleared, let alone sorted. I leave Derbyshire feeling like a job well done in clearing the house, yet I don't carry the sense of closure on the task that I was hoping for.

Second Birthdays

It's Wifey's second birthday today.

t was three years ago today that she suffered a near fatal stroke and so, on January 23rd each year she now celebrates a second birthday to commemorate the fact that she cheated death and has gone on, despite considerable adversity, to enjoy her life again.

So, Honey, all my love on your second birthday. I'm sorry I can't be with you today, but I'll be back home tomorrow.

xxx

The Stig

No..... Not the chap from Top Gear, rather the dump - although I am a very good driver ;-)

That's right, I've been at the dump so many times I feel like Stig of the Dump; Please tell me you've all read the book....

Anyway, I'm off to the dump in Derby - again.

The Boys are Back in Town

I'm back in Derbyshire toady after an easy journey up on the train - St Pancrass station is looking magnificent, but I don't think it was worth £800M.

It's very wet and flooded up here and the train was delayed owing to the water rising around the tracks, but I made it here safe and sound, went in to the peaks to my father's, sorted some more stuff, collected the van and now I'm back at my brothers.

I'll be back down south on Wednesday evening.

A trip to Brighton, Hove and Worthing for some specific treated us to the fantastic sights to be held of washed up timber everywhere - you've seen it on the news, but I had no idea until Sunday when I was down on the coast. It is amazing to see in real life.

Oh, and Wifey and I had a fantastic weekend - no work on either the business or the house, no chores, just 'us' time, and also time as a family. I think it was what we both needed.

Rise and Fall

Since the Autumn I have charted my battle with and subsequent descent in to depression. I written about some personal circumstances such as my job (It's been pissing me off since last January), my dad's death, our cat's near death and my father in law's illness.

Well, this last week I've been happy. It's been therapeutic sorting out my dad's house - some sad times and some happy times. Strangely the worst time was Thursday evening when I went to the dump to take some of the big bits of furniture. It seemed a terribly disrespectful thing to leave furniture that I have know all my life in a cold, arc lit and drizzly dump.

The best thing was coming home. I was great to see Wifey and Pickle, to talk, to eat, to drink and to, well, to do what couples do....

Homeward Bound

I've not completed my task as yet, but I've mad a surprisingly big in road to it. There is still a hill of paperwork (where there was once a large mountain) to sort and sift but I must only have a quarter left to do. Anyway, I'm homeward bound for the weekend. I have decided to take the train as amazingly it works out cheaper - 18:50 each way on the train - that's intercity to St Pancrass, across London and on to Horsham. In my borrowed van (as nice as it is) it's about £80 just in diesel. On top of that I have to endure both the M1 (or M40) and the M25 and I know from jobs of old that the M25 on a Friday night is a place I'd rather not be.

So, the train is taking the strain and I should be home in about 3 hours to see my lovely wife and hopefully a happy and smiling son.

I'm back up north on Monday morning for a few more days toil.

I won't post over the weekend as it'll hopefully be time dedicated to the family.

Have a good one :-)

Time Dedicated to.....

My father...

Having now a number of weeks to myself (or Wifey's beck and call...) I have decided to work on my father's house. I sit here in Derbyshire as I type over looking the gently rolling hills visible from my brothers study window.

I am now of the opinion that, whilst I still have depression, getting out of my last organisation was a good thing. I have undertaken a couple of bits of work for Wifey and the clients have found the work to be excellent, so a little of my self confidence is returning. Just having some down time is proving to be a great healer.

Anyway, time marches on an I have three quarters of an hour's journey further north to my get to my fathers house so I suppose I'd better sign off and get motoring in my builders van that I borrowed from my father in law.

Still Working

I may be on garden leave, (although I'm not exactly sure on what terms I'm on garden leave as my former boss will no longer communicate with me) but I'm now hard at work for Wifey's business.

She covers health and safety issues amongst other things and, being qualified in H&S, I get roped in to some of the work. Tonight I have to right an incident report for an accident at our near by airport.

Reading the witness statements it looks to be a case of a momentary lapse of concentration. A lapse which came perilously close to a very serious accident.

Anyway, a glass of wine and the laptop in front of the TV and I should have this written up before tea....

Things to Make You go Mmmmmm

So, an interesting day. It appears that I will not be parting on good terms with my current employer. I had some questions about the exact terms on which I was being put on garden leave. In return I got a snot-o-gramme from my boss saying that my services were no longer required as my duties were being perform by others in the organisation.

This was due to the fact that a return to work date for such an illness is uncertain and my job can't wait for me to recover. They've also changed the locks to my office building.

I did always say my boss was an alcoholic dictator didn't I. Today just proved that I'm better off out of the clutches of a work place bully. In all honesty I got off lightly, he is much worse to others since left and also current employees, but hey, I left on my terms and I think that this was do as a last parting shot to ensure he had the last word.

I've still got to collect my personal items - now that should be an amusing event.

A Tidy Garden

Well, I've just been told that I'm to be put on Garden Leave......

So I know have a month off work, paid - Glorious!

Something New

I have done something that I have never done before, that is taken time off for depression. I usually battle through, either with or without drugs, but now I have taken the sound advice of The Boy and the lovely Z. I will not work too hard, I will put aside professional and personal pride in my work for a company whom, whilst their intentions are excellent, their working practices are a shambles. I have self certified my self for the rest of the week.

Yesterday's post was a little disjointed and also a little indulgent, but the fact I wanted to post means that I am on the road to a recovery. I'm sitting here in Wifey's office and from the window I can see the country park in our village and onwards to the South Downs. Admittedly this is over the tops of the houses in the typical sub-urban estate in which we live, but never the less, there seems to be a certain calm about today after the string winds of last night.

The sun shines on the side of my face and refreshes me, so hopefully my mood will continue to improve.

Me Time

Things have been going a little tits up lately with my resolution to battle this episode of depression will will power alone. I've done it before but not this time. Anyway, I felt absolutely rubbish this morning. I had intended to go to work; I dressed, dropped the baby to nursery but I had to drive back past the village we live in to collect somethings from Worthing. I called in at home, made a coffee and just lay on my bed. After that I couldn't get up. I sent a test to the boss saying I had depression and I'd keep him updated. I then went to sleep.

I woke again at 12:30 and I feel much better - time dedicated to me.

I feel ready to blog about all that's been happening, so;

After my dad died I was upset, naturally, but after the funeral some 2 weeks later I felt a whole lot better about his passing. What I didn't feel better about was the state of his house. He hoarded everything - I told him we he was alive that he should sort it out and save me a job, but no! God love him, but honestly the stuff he kept ranged from the stupid to the occasionally disgusting.

Over Christmas Wifey's dad was taken ill - He suffers from Bi-polar disorder - I can only say this as this blog is anonymous - only wifey knows who AFC 30K really is. He had a manic episode and it resulted in him being hospitalized. We went in voluntarily but to be fair if he hadn't gone they would have sectioned him.

We visited most days and he also was allowed out to be with us, but seeing him in that state was upsetting for all the family. He came to ours for Christmas lunch but went manic when he was here - it was a miracle that we persuaded him to go back to hospital. We was released at the end of last week and he his back to his old self. He is very embarrassed about what happened to him. I have told him he has nothing to apologise for, but I can see why he's embarrassed.

Most of Christmas week was spent working on Wifey's business and visiting her dad. Pickle, the baby, did not receive the attention he deserved. We feel like terrible parents, but hopefully it's short term pain for long term gain. Wifey's business is doing really well and if it continues like this she'll need to take on and administrator, at least 3 days a week. It's been hard work but the extra money will be welcome.

Our long term plan is to able to send Pickle to a fee paying school for all of his education. That and a nice house somewhere on the South Downs with outbuildings for Wifey's business.

And as a footnote, it's our wedding anniversary today - happy anniversary Hon.

Time the Healer

Just a short post as my level of concentration is akin to a goldfish at present. This is one symptom of depression and why a choose to go back to pills during this bout of the damned Black Dog.

The weekend was spent in Derbyshire sorting through my dads worldly possessions. I think I've mentioned before that he hoarded everything - he didn't even throw his old bus tickets away! We've now spent 4 solid days in total clearing the house and despite 4 van loads of rubbish removed and or recycled we've only managed to clear his bedroom. It's only a small house but there are still 4 more rooms to clear. Being so far away from me down on the south coast it's proving a little tricky to find the time.

The meds are starting to take effect and I fell a little better, but also Wifey and I had a good weekend (overall....) we went out for dinner in Derby near to my bothers house on Saturday and it was great just to be together talking and indulging time in each other.

Strangely, I'm now finding work really stressful. I've been stressed at work for 3 episodes during my working career and each one has been horrible. I only have 19 days left in this role but my boss has made it clear he wants his pound of flesh before a desert them.

So a both good and a productive weekend, work is a drag but there is an end in sight. Also, spring is but a couple of months away and longer, warmer and brighter days always make a body feel better.

But folks, remember, this blog is about me and how I'm feeling and I'm very conscious not to turn it in to a depression blog. Depression has affected every single aspect of my life at some point in my life and I hate the fact it interferes with things. I'm sure depression will be blogged about in the future but hopefully soon you'll see some more amusing posts.

Ashamed

I'm ashamed to say that my depression has finally got to much. It has become debilitating to the point of affecting my daily life and so I went to see my doctor this morning. He knows me and he as knows that I know my depression so I was just a case of 'doc, my depression is back and I can't shake it off. I've had it since October' and a very brief chat about the pros and cons of one medication over another and 2 minutes later I walked out with a prescription for anti-depressants.

I feel ashamed of myself - I couldn't cope, why can't I just be a happier and thankful for what I have etc. On the other hand I know that in about 5 days I will feel a whole lot better and if you have an illness that's debilitating and there is a treatment for it then it would be stupid of me not to seek help.

On a positive note though, I have just had a phone call to say that the father -in-law will be released from hospital tomorrow.

On the down side, the boss is being a pain and this is the way it will be for the the next 4 weeks.

I really don't know if I've jumped to the right job, but whatever happens know I'm going, so I'll just have to make the best of it and hope that this is the job that'll make me.

It's official

I've just telephoned the boss and handed in my resignation.

Apparently he thought I was going to do it..... Mind you I think they all say that, or may be they've noticed I've not been happy here.

I start my new role on Friday 1st February.

I may not be able to blog and surf at the new place as they are a much bigger outfit and have a fairly sophisticated IT set up which logs internet use. I can use the newt before 9, after 5 and between 1 and 2, however I never take lunch breaks, so the 1 - 2 time is out and I never stay past 5 if I can possibly help it, and if I am then I'm working - I have a wife and family to see!

I will try and blog more this month but work is busy, as is the home life - so many things to blog about, so little time.

My Black Dog is still eating in to my inspiration thought.....