A Tidy Garden

Well, I've just been told that I'm to be put on Garden Leave......

So I know have a month off work, paid - Glorious!

Something New

I have done something that I have never done before, that is taken time off for depression. I usually battle through, either with or without drugs, but now I have taken the sound advice of The Boy and the lovely Z. I will not work too hard, I will put aside professional and personal pride in my work for a company whom, whilst their intentions are excellent, their working practices are a shambles. I have self certified my self for the rest of the week.

Yesterday's post was a little disjointed and also a little indulgent, but the fact I wanted to post means that I am on the road to a recovery. I'm sitting here in Wifey's office and from the window I can see the country park in our village and onwards to the South Downs. Admittedly this is over the tops of the houses in the typical sub-urban estate in which we live, but never the less, there seems to be a certain calm about today after the string winds of last night.

The sun shines on the side of my face and refreshes me, so hopefully my mood will continue to improve.

Me Time

Things have been going a little tits up lately with my resolution to battle this episode of depression will will power alone. I've done it before but not this time. Anyway, I felt absolutely rubbish this morning. I had intended to go to work; I dressed, dropped the baby to nursery but I had to drive back past the village we live in to collect somethings from Worthing. I called in at home, made a coffee and just lay on my bed. After that I couldn't get up. I sent a test to the boss saying I had depression and I'd keep him updated. I then went to sleep.

I woke again at 12:30 and I feel much better - time dedicated to me.

I feel ready to blog about all that's been happening, so;

After my dad died I was upset, naturally, but after the funeral some 2 weeks later I felt a whole lot better about his passing. What I didn't feel better about was the state of his house. He hoarded everything - I told him we he was alive that he should sort it out and save me a job, but no! God love him, but honestly the stuff he kept ranged from the stupid to the occasionally disgusting.

Over Christmas Wifey's dad was taken ill - He suffers from Bi-polar disorder - I can only say this as this blog is anonymous - only wifey knows who AFC 30K really is. He had a manic episode and it resulted in him being hospitalized. We went in voluntarily but to be fair if he hadn't gone they would have sectioned him.

We visited most days and he also was allowed out to be with us, but seeing him in that state was upsetting for all the family. He came to ours for Christmas lunch but went manic when he was here - it was a miracle that we persuaded him to go back to hospital. We was released at the end of last week and he his back to his old self. He is very embarrassed about what happened to him. I have told him he has nothing to apologise for, but I can see why he's embarrassed.

Most of Christmas week was spent working on Wifey's business and visiting her dad. Pickle, the baby, did not receive the attention he deserved. We feel like terrible parents, but hopefully it's short term pain for long term gain. Wifey's business is doing really well and if it continues like this she'll need to take on and administrator, at least 3 days a week. It's been hard work but the extra money will be welcome.

Our long term plan is to able to send Pickle to a fee paying school for all of his education. That and a nice house somewhere on the South Downs with outbuildings for Wifey's business.

And as a footnote, it's our wedding anniversary today - happy anniversary Hon.

Time the Healer

Just a short post as my level of concentration is akin to a goldfish at present. This is one symptom of depression and why a choose to go back to pills during this bout of the damned Black Dog.

The weekend was spent in Derbyshire sorting through my dads worldly possessions. I think I've mentioned before that he hoarded everything - he didn't even throw his old bus tickets away! We've now spent 4 solid days in total clearing the house and despite 4 van loads of rubbish removed and or recycled we've only managed to clear his bedroom. It's only a small house but there are still 4 more rooms to clear. Being so far away from me down on the south coast it's proving a little tricky to find the time.

The meds are starting to take effect and I fell a little better, but also Wifey and I had a good weekend (overall....) we went out for dinner in Derby near to my bothers house on Saturday and it was great just to be together talking and indulging time in each other.

Strangely, I'm now finding work really stressful. I've been stressed at work for 3 episodes during my working career and each one has been horrible. I only have 19 days left in this role but my boss has made it clear he wants his pound of flesh before a desert them.

So a both good and a productive weekend, work is a drag but there is an end in sight. Also, spring is but a couple of months away and longer, warmer and brighter days always make a body feel better.

But folks, remember, this blog is about me and how I'm feeling and I'm very conscious not to turn it in to a depression blog. Depression has affected every single aspect of my life at some point in my life and I hate the fact it interferes with things. I'm sure depression will be blogged about in the future but hopefully soon you'll see some more amusing posts.

Ashamed

I'm ashamed to say that my depression has finally got to much. It has become debilitating to the point of affecting my daily life and so I went to see my doctor this morning. He knows me and he as knows that I know my depression so I was just a case of 'doc, my depression is back and I can't shake it off. I've had it since October' and a very brief chat about the pros and cons of one medication over another and 2 minutes later I walked out with a prescription for anti-depressants.

I feel ashamed of myself - I couldn't cope, why can't I just be a happier and thankful for what I have etc. On the other hand I know that in about 5 days I will feel a whole lot better and if you have an illness that's debilitating and there is a treatment for it then it would be stupid of me not to seek help.

On a positive note though, I have just had a phone call to say that the father -in-law will be released from hospital tomorrow.

On the down side, the boss is being a pain and this is the way it will be for the the next 4 weeks.

I really don't know if I've jumped to the right job, but whatever happens know I'm going, so I'll just have to make the best of it and hope that this is the job that'll make me.

It's official

I've just telephoned the boss and handed in my resignation.

Apparently he thought I was going to do it..... Mind you I think they all say that, or may be they've noticed I've not been happy here.

I start my new role on Friday 1st February.

I may not be able to blog and surf at the new place as they are a much bigger outfit and have a fairly sophisticated IT set up which logs internet use. I can use the newt before 9, after 5 and between 1 and 2, however I never take lunch breaks, so the 1 - 2 time is out and I never stay past 5 if I can possibly help it, and if I am then I'm working - I have a wife and family to see!

I will try and blog more this month but work is busy, as is the home life - so many things to blog about, so little time.

My Black Dog is still eating in to my inspiration thought.....

2 & counting

The cat lives!

He has an overactive thyroid gland. I have put it down to him simply being an old codger - He was ill and I didn't take him to he vet.

I was wrong - his illness is very treatable and I feel like crap about not taking him sooner.

I still have a cat but I am minus £130.

3's

They say bad luck comes in three's. Firstly my dad, then Wifey's dad and now.....

Well, not quite yet but our very old and cantankerous tom cat is on his last legs - he has been wasting away for most of this year, but last night he wouldn't hold his head up - he just lay on the bathroom floor soaking up the heat from the central heating pipes below.

We have two moggies and he rules the roost over our 8 year old female. She beat him to the food bowls this morning and ate out of his - he didn't challenge her, he just ate from her bowl instead. Previously she wouldn't have dared touch his food bowl and for good reason.

He has an appointment at the vets at 3:30 today - a rather suspect that he won't be around when I get home.

Time....

....is something I don't seem to have recently. Work has been manic with long hours being worked which I'm not in favour of. I've been getting home and then helping Wifey with her business and looking after the baby. I've also been trying to sort out my dad's estate. The forms to obtain probate want to know everything....

On top of all this, I'm still undecided about the new job, I do some voluntary work which has fallen by the wayside recently and to cap it all off my father in law has been taken ill. He has a recurring medical problem that means in may be in hospital for some time. So this year for Christmas my dad won't be with us (It's his birthday tomorrow) and neither will my father in law. I've never spent Christmas without my dad and Wifey, likewise, has never spent Christmas without her father.

And finally, my depression has been getting the better of me recently and a wave of apathy has swept over me about everything making the large amount of work I have to get through seem insurmountable instead of just difficult.

I know things will change soon, but roll on happy times.

Never Again

I went back up north on Friday night. The journey was long and you can't reason with a 1 year old who doesn't want to be strapped in his car seat.

I went to my dads on Saturday after a quick wander around Derby (It's changed a lot). What I found at my dads was horrific - Things that I won't share, things that you don't need to know - Wifey and I didn't sleep much Saturday night, the things we had seen kept us awake.

We have chosen a coffin and flowers, we all chose the same coffin and agreed on the flowers quickly. The Funeral is on Thursday.

My bother and I and our wives started to clear the house - My father was (I'm having trouble with the is/was thing) a hoarder. He has records going back to the early 50's. He didn't throw any paperwork away, not even bus tickets...... The wives went early as my S-I-L was in tears and our baby was not happy about being confined to a push chair.

Wifey did something that was truly remarkable. Something about which I can not write, but suffice to say she simply got on with the job in hand, with no fuss at all. I also undertook a job about which I can not write - he was my dad I felt it was my duty - At the time I got on with it, but now I think I can say that it was one of the worst experiences of my life (and there's been quite a few).

There is still so much of the house to sort through it will take many days of work, time that my brother and I don't have, but time we will have to find.

Right now I have to start work on the probate and working out his estate.

I am dealing with it but right now I feel like a hollow shell.

Dealing with it

As you may know I have been battling depression since puberty. Right now I am struggling.

The job is getting me down (i may have mentioned that once or twice before) and I have lost any enthusiasm I once had for the organisation. I have several complex issues that need to be resolved and to do that I need to talk to my boss. The only thing is that some times I seem him twice in a fortnight and the emails and phone calls are constant, the other times I hear nothing for weeks. As we work in different offices, some hours travel apart, it can be difficult to meet up, but generally the only sensible answers I get are ones during a face to face meeting.

The upshot being, why should I bother my arse with putting any effort in when I don't get any support back? I have days when I pull myself up by my boot straps and say 'it's all good experience - the more you put in to it, the more you'll get out of it' That lasts about a day when I hit on something I need to talk to him about or work that I have done is ridiculed (usually in front of others) and my mood and attitude drop to zero in a heart beat.

I work for a bully and anyone who works for a bully is bullied to some extent - Don't get me wrong, I am not the shy retiring type and a fight my corner even though he is more eloquent and fast thinking than I. But it's been grinding me down since Christmas last year. This tension combined with Wifey being stressed about her work and us both being stressed about money and the demands of bringing up a baby (I does have it's joys but the last 12 months have been tiring) has taken it's toll and I am struggling not to fall in to un-controlled depression. I know that I am depressed, but I don't want to go back on anti-depressants as they do have some unwanted side effects, I want to ride out this storm by will power alone.

Dad dieing has been a body blow, as it must be for anyone who loses a loved one - there are things that are playing on my mind and they are stopping me from sleeping soundly. The result being I am tired and lethargic and I really can't be bothered with work.

I hope there should be a contract on the door mat at home waiting for me for the new job - it's not perfect but the organisation is 533 times bigger and has a professional set of managers.

He's to being able to resign tomorrow!

Just for the record - actually knowing you're depressed is a great healer and whilst the depression affects you, you are able to sit down and try and rationalise it just like I'm doing here.

My Dad

From what we know my Dad died last Tuesday night in bed. I am thankful.

My dad was hard of hearing due to tinnitus which was the product of a lifetime working in or around aircraft. He was generally excluded in a social situation because he just couldn't hear what was going on. He had been having some health difficulties since about this time last year and in the spring he was diagnosed with heart failure. He was finding mobility a struggle and had been house bound for about 4 or 5 months. He was down with us only a few weeks ago and had a good time. He loves his grandson. "you're a grand little lad" are often said whilst ruffling the boy's hair. He said to me that he was feeling much better and the 4 stone, yes 4 stone, he had lost made him feel even better, although he did say he felt like he was on his last innings.

I fully expected the old sod to live on for years to come.

I'm sure he had regrets in life, most of us do, but he got to see his two sons educated, married and settled with children. There are elements of our life's that are not perfect, but generally my brother and I are happy. So what I'm trying to say is what better way to go? He wasn't in pain, just a little tired. He had all his mental faculties although he was hard of hearing. He did not endure a long and painful illness, quite simply his heart just stopped. I was not there and I don't know if he suffered yet I feel strangely confident that he didn't. In my own mind I know he went to bed and never woke up. I feel deeply sorry that he wasn't found for 5 days and that I wasn't with him, or at least near him, when he died, but on the whole I'm sort of happy. No dementure, no stroke, no cancer. I must take all these things as a positive.

A Good Man

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Stop the Clocks by WH Auden

My father's clock stopped some time last week;
My brother found him this afternoon.
He died in his sleep.

I have lost my dad and I shall miss him.

Dad, I love you.
Rest in Peace.

xxx

Of the Weekend

I may have mentioned before that I am an Engineer. My degree is in Civil Engineering and I worked as a Civil Engineer for a number of years. I have built and worked on some pretty impressive stuff over the years. I have built a few roads, the odd bridge here and there and a good number of water process plants. I was also on the tender stage of some of the interesting bits of Channel Tunnel Rail Link (CTRL). I worked on the winning bid for the St Pancras redevelopment. I would have loved to go to the royal opening tonight but alas I was not invited. I saw that job last year when I went past St Pancras and was amazed to see that the logo I had created to represent our bid team (it was a 3-way joint venture) was being used as the job logo. It was flying high for all to see on the tower cranes and on the hard hats and high vis vests of the men on site. I was flabbergasted to say the least. The logo was only ever supposed to be a quick fix, it wasn’t even supposed to be the actual logo we were using on the bid documents, but there you go!

Anyway, I shall come to the point. As an engineer I have some specific skills which come in handy now and again. One such skill is ‘levelling’. I can, using an optical level to work out at what level something should be set at – very handy if you want to lay a very large patio for instance.

F-i-L knows I have these skills and occasionally exploits them – the only problem is that whilst we both know what we’re doing, we don’t actually know what each other is doing. My way of doing things is very different to his. He thinks that mostly I’m wrong and tries to get me to do it his way. I mostly think that he is wrong and try to get him to do it my way.

And so it came to pass that last Sunday I spent from 10am until 4pm standing in a garden ‘discussing’ how we should set out the patio. We did break for lunch about 1 and thanks to M-i-L for a lovely roast but other than that we got pretty much nothing achieved…

Just for the record, if we’d have done it my way I’d have been done by 10:45….

Persona

Many of may posts of late have had somewhat of a negative tone. Even in my last post I was putting myself down over the standard of my basic education.

I'm not an unhappy person. I am a realist that has seen what I think of as more than my fair share of problems in my life. I won't regain you with the many problems that I have had suffice it to say that I am still here and for the most part, still kicking.

I've told you all that I suffer from depression but when necessary it is an illness that can be controlled by drugs. I wasn't diagnosed until my mid 20's but after talking to the health professional I feel at ease with my illness. I stated to have bouts of both depress on and mania during puberty but it took a serious set of events and a knowledgeable friend to put me in touch with the medics. In short the medics believe it to be an inbalance or serotonin (the happy chemical) in my brain. Sometimes I get to much and become almost invincible. Other times I don't get enough and become embroiled in my own misery. For the most part I'm fine these days and I have learned to live with it and to recognise when I'm up, when I'm down and when I'm in equilibrium. Wifey also has learned to live with my illness and can reign me in when I'm out of balance.

It is at times a great illness to have. Being on an up is incredible. Nothing can stop me. I am the greatest! Men want to be my friend, women want to be my lover and as for work, I know how good I am and if you don't think so, who cares! Who would not want to be like that..

Being on a down is not so great - it's the great draw back of bi-polar disorder as the call it these days. Still, you can't have everything can you.

For the most part I'm, as our American cousins might say, 'a regular guy'. A guy with the normal hopes, aspirations, dreams and anxieties that other people have.

Just for the record I'm currently just a little on the high side of normal, although I have to thank Wifey for that :-)

Typos

I have reread my last post and my subsequent comment and I would like to apologise for my typos.

I did very poorly at school and got all my qualifications a little later in life. As a result my spelling, grammar and basic mental arithmetic are appalling.

Once again I offer my humble apologies and thank you for your visit.

Thursday

I have yet to decide what I am going to write. I just want to write something.

Work has been hectic recently but not in a good way - I love the pressure of a job, a job that you can do, do well and are well supported by the team around you. A good team is one that is supportive of all it's members what ever their status. I have a great team below me and along side me, my only grip is the team above me.

I'm sure that that is a common complaint of many managers - the guys below they are useless, they don't do what they are told when they are told to do it. My management style is somewhat different to that. I believe that if the team below me fails then it is something that I have done wrong. I've not directed them properly, given unclear instructions, not defined the results that I want or given an unrealistic deadline.

I now people enjoy working with me. I like to refer to it as that as I want all the members of the team included in the process. Give them involvement, purpose and recognition and people will work hard and diligently for you.

Yet, at the moment I am not being managed well. I am given unclear directions, unrealistic timescales and not made to feel worth while. A good shouting tongue lashing or a brusque email is considered to be a motivational tool at my work place.

I have not been here long enough to have secure employment rights so I must keep my mouth closed. I can not speak out yet speaking out is what I do.

It makes for an unhappy work place and no matter how you try to keep your work and home life separate they invariably affect one another.

I suffer from depression and have done since puberty. I have had some dark times and some very manic bouts. Times when I have just wanted to destroy everything around me. I have been free from medication for nearly two years yet I find my mind being drawn to depressive thoughts. I try hard to be mentally stronger and for the most part I am succeeding but at the moment it is a battle so please excuse me if my post are a little dark at the moment - it is a form of release that is far better than taking it out on those around me.

In Brief

In brief, or should that be briefs?

Work is very busy and the boss is being a bit of a pain. Something along the line of 'today you will paint the grass purple' When the grass is duly painted the response is 'but I told you it was to be yellow, no why haven' you don't it' I have an email but protesting does no good.

I didn't get the Olympics, but to be honest 2 1/2 hours commute each way was never going to be something I would enjoy.

Regarding the original job I went for yada yada yada, we are talking money, car allowance and precise job remit - I am meeting the regional director. Bizarre really as I started at one down from the top and I'm gradually working my way down the list of seniority.

Wifey is working hard and her business is really starting to step up a gear.

Its 7:15pm and I must sign off to feed the baby and put him to bed.

I have a tension headache

I'm Alive

I am still alive, however, for a change I am very busy.

Work has been a little manic and will continue to be so. Home life is demanding and at times challenging.

The baby has been ill again, as have I.

I went to the Olympics people today to talk about a job. They are a really impressive bunch of people and they have a date to stick too...

The view was pretty impressive from the Olympics offices in Canary Wharf.

May be they'll hire me, may be they won't.

I will keep you posted even if it is a little infrequently.

Also, in the last post I itimated a screaming good sex session and I only got 4 comments and one of those was from Wifey - I think I'll leave the sex blogging to The Girl.

Please do check back as I will continue to post, it's just that life is getting in the way at the moment.

A Bedroom Fantasy

Well, here I am, at home, with the baby round my feet and Wifey setting at the desk to my right; I’m not sure if this working from home lark is all it’s cracked up to be.

It was an interesting weekend all told. Firstly one of Wifey’s bedroom fantasies came true.

At just after 11pm on Saturday night, a strange and good looking, man entered Wifey's bedroom. She was already in bed waiting for his arrival. Wifeys pulse was racing as the stranger talked softly and calmly to her. He was obviously educated and had a commanding air of authority to him. He talked some more and she listen intently, hanging on his every word. The stranger climbed on to Wifey’s bed and gently, but authoritatively, rolled her over. He pulled her knickers to one side and Wifey began to bite the pillow waiting for what was to come. When it finally did come, she bit the pillow hard and yelped weakly through her clenched teeth.

“Well that should help ease the vomiting” the on-call doctor said.

“Thank you Doctor” said Wifey.

I’ll post some more tomorrow.