I went back up north on Friday night. The journey was long and you can't reason with a 1 year old who doesn't want to be strapped in his car seat.
I went to my dads on Saturday after a quick wander around Derby (It's changed a lot). What I found at my dads was horrific - Things that I won't share, things that you don't need to know - Wifey and I didn't sleep much Saturday night, the things we had seen kept us awake.
We have chosen a coffin and flowers, we all chose the same coffin and agreed on the flowers quickly. The Funeral is on Thursday.
My bother and I and our wives started to clear the house - My father was (I'm having trouble with the is/was thing) a hoarder. He has records going back to the early 50's. He didn't throw any paperwork away, not even bus tickets...... The wives went early as my S-I-L was in tears and our baby was not happy about being confined to a push chair.
Wifey did something that was truly remarkable. Something about which I can not write, but suffice to say she simply got on with the job in hand, with no fuss at all. I also undertook a job about which I can not write - he was my dad I felt it was my duty - At the time I got on with it, but now I think I can say that it was one of the worst experiences of my life (and there's been quite a few).
There is still so much of the house to sort through it will take many days of work, time that my brother and I don't have, but time we will have to find.
Right now I have to start work on the probate and working out his estate.
I am dealing with it but right now I feel like a hollow shell.
Monday 26 November 2007
Wednesday 21 November 2007
Dealing with it
As you may know I have been battling depression since puberty. Right now I am struggling.
The job is getting me down (i may have mentioned that once or twice before) and I have lost any enthusiasm I once had for the organisation. I have several complex issues that need to be resolved and to do that I need to talk to my boss. The only thing is that some times I seem him twice in a fortnight and the emails and phone calls are constant, the other times I hear nothing for weeks. As we work in different offices, some hours travel apart, it can be difficult to meet up, but generally the only sensible answers I get are ones during a face to face meeting.
The upshot being, why should I bother my arse with putting any effort in when I don't get any support back? I have days when I pull myself up by my boot straps and say 'it's all good experience - the more you put in to it, the more you'll get out of it' That lasts about a day when I hit on something I need to talk to him about or work that I have done is ridiculed (usually in front of others) and my mood and attitude drop to zero in a heart beat.
I work for a bully and anyone who works for a bully is bullied to some extent - Don't get me wrong, I am not the shy retiring type and a fight my corner even though he is more eloquent and fast thinking than I. But it's been grinding me down since Christmas last year. This tension combined with Wifey being stressed about her work and us both being stressed about money and the demands of bringing up a baby (I does have it's joys but the last 12 months have been tiring) has taken it's toll and I am struggling not to fall in to un-controlled depression. I know that I am depressed, but I don't want to go back on anti-depressants as they do have some unwanted side effects, I want to ride out this storm by will power alone.
Dad dieing has been a body blow, as it must be for anyone who loses a loved one - there are things that are playing on my mind and they are stopping me from sleeping soundly. The result being I am tired and lethargic and I really can't be bothered with work.
I hope there should be a contract on the door mat at home waiting for me for the new job - it's not perfect but the organisation is 533 times bigger and has a professional set of managers.
He's to being able to resign tomorrow!
Just for the record - actually knowing you're depressed is a great healer and whilst the depression affects you, you are able to sit down and try and rationalise it just like I'm doing here.
The job is getting me down (i may have mentioned that once or twice before) and I have lost any enthusiasm I once had for the organisation. I have several complex issues that need to be resolved and to do that I need to talk to my boss. The only thing is that some times I seem him twice in a fortnight and the emails and phone calls are constant, the other times I hear nothing for weeks. As we work in different offices, some hours travel apart, it can be difficult to meet up, but generally the only sensible answers I get are ones during a face to face meeting.
The upshot being, why should I bother my arse with putting any effort in when I don't get any support back? I have days when I pull myself up by my boot straps and say 'it's all good experience - the more you put in to it, the more you'll get out of it' That lasts about a day when I hit on something I need to talk to him about or work that I have done is ridiculed (usually in front of others) and my mood and attitude drop to zero in a heart beat.
I work for a bully and anyone who works for a bully is bullied to some extent - Don't get me wrong, I am not the shy retiring type and a fight my corner even though he is more eloquent and fast thinking than I. But it's been grinding me down since Christmas last year. This tension combined with Wifey being stressed about her work and us both being stressed about money and the demands of bringing up a baby (I does have it's joys but the last 12 months have been tiring) has taken it's toll and I am struggling not to fall in to un-controlled depression. I know that I am depressed, but I don't want to go back on anti-depressants as they do have some unwanted side effects, I want to ride out this storm by will power alone.
Dad dieing has been a body blow, as it must be for anyone who loses a loved one - there are things that are playing on my mind and they are stopping me from sleeping soundly. The result being I am tired and lethargic and I really can't be bothered with work.
I hope there should be a contract on the door mat at home waiting for me for the new job - it's not perfect but the organisation is 533 times bigger and has a professional set of managers.
He's to being able to resign tomorrow!
Just for the record - actually knowing you're depressed is a great healer and whilst the depression affects you, you are able to sit down and try and rationalise it just like I'm doing here.
Tuesday 20 November 2007
My Dad
From what we know my Dad died last Tuesday night in bed. I am thankful.
My dad was hard of hearing due to tinnitus which was the product of a lifetime working in or around aircraft. He was generally excluded in a social situation because he just couldn't hear what was going on. He had been having some health difficulties since about this time last year and in the spring he was diagnosed with heart failure. He was finding mobility a struggle and had been house bound for about 4 or 5 months. He was down with us only a few weeks ago and had a good time. He loves his grandson. "you're a grand little lad" are often said whilst ruffling the boy's hair. He said to me that he was feeling much better and the 4 stone, yes 4 stone, he had lost made him feel even better, although he did say he felt like he was on his last innings.
I fully expected the old sod to live on for years to come.
I'm sure he had regrets in life, most of us do, but he got to see his two sons educated, married and settled with children. There are elements of our life's that are not perfect, but generally my brother and I are happy. So what I'm trying to say is what better way to go? He wasn't in pain, just a little tired. He had all his mental faculties although he was hard of hearing. He did not endure a long and painful illness, quite simply his heart just stopped. I was not there and I don't know if he suffered yet I feel strangely confident that he didn't. In my own mind I know he went to bed and never woke up. I feel deeply sorry that he wasn't found for 5 days and that I wasn't with him, or at least near him, when he died, but on the whole I'm sort of happy. No dementure, no stroke, no cancer. I must take all these things as a positive.
My dad was hard of hearing due to tinnitus which was the product of a lifetime working in or around aircraft. He was generally excluded in a social situation because he just couldn't hear what was going on. He had been having some health difficulties since about this time last year and in the spring he was diagnosed with heart failure. He was finding mobility a struggle and had been house bound for about 4 or 5 months. He was down with us only a few weeks ago and had a good time. He loves his grandson. "you're a grand little lad" are often said whilst ruffling the boy's hair. He said to me that he was feeling much better and the 4 stone, yes 4 stone, he had lost made him feel even better, although he did say he felt like he was on his last innings.
I fully expected the old sod to live on for years to come.
I'm sure he had regrets in life, most of us do, but he got to see his two sons educated, married and settled with children. There are elements of our life's that are not perfect, but generally my brother and I are happy. So what I'm trying to say is what better way to go? He wasn't in pain, just a little tired. He had all his mental faculties although he was hard of hearing. He did not endure a long and painful illness, quite simply his heart just stopped. I was not there and I don't know if he suffered yet I feel strangely confident that he didn't. In my own mind I know he went to bed and never woke up. I feel deeply sorry that he wasn't found for 5 days and that I wasn't with him, or at least near him, when he died, but on the whole I'm sort of happy. No dementure, no stroke, no cancer. I must take all these things as a positive.
Sunday 18 November 2007
A Good Man
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
Stop the Clocks by WH Auden
My father's clock stopped some time last week;
My brother found him this afternoon.
He died in his sleep.
I have lost my dad and I shall miss him.
Dad, I love you.
Rest in Peace.
xxx
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.
The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.
Stop the Clocks by WH Auden
My father's clock stopped some time last week;
My brother found him this afternoon.
He died in his sleep.
I have lost my dad and I shall miss him.
Dad, I love you.
Rest in Peace.
xxx
Tuesday 6 November 2007
Of the Weekend
I may have mentioned before that I am an Engineer. My degree is in Civil Engineering and I worked as a Civil Engineer for a number of years. I have built and worked on some pretty impressive stuff over the years. I have built a few roads, the odd bridge here and there and a good number of water process plants. I was also on the tender stage of some of the interesting bits of Channel Tunnel Rail Link (CTRL). I worked on the winning bid for the St Pancras redevelopment. I would have loved to go to the royal opening tonight but alas I was not invited. I saw that job last year when I went past St Pancras and was amazed to see that the logo I had created to represent our bid team (it was a 3-way joint venture) was being used as the job logo. It was flying high for all to see on the tower cranes and on the hard hats and high vis vests of the men on site. I was flabbergasted to say the least. The logo was only ever supposed to be a quick fix, it wasn’t even supposed to be the actual logo we were using on the bid documents, but there you go!
Anyway, I shall come to the point. As an engineer I have some specific skills which come in handy now and again. One such skill is ‘levelling’. I can, using an optical level to work out at what level something should be set at – very handy if you want to lay a very large patio for instance.
F-i-L knows I have these skills and occasionally exploits them – the only problem is that whilst we both know what we’re doing, we don’t actually know what each other is doing. My way of doing things is very different to his. He thinks that mostly I’m wrong and tries to get me to do it his way. I mostly think that he is wrong and try to get him to do it my way.
And so it came to pass that last Sunday I spent from 10am until 4pm standing in a garden ‘discussing’ how we should set out the patio. We did break for lunch about 1 and thanks to M-i-L for a lovely roast but other than that we got pretty much nothing achieved…
Just for the record, if we’d have done it my way I’d have been done by 10:45….
Anyway, I shall come to the point. As an engineer I have some specific skills which come in handy now and again. One such skill is ‘levelling’. I can, using an optical level to work out at what level something should be set at – very handy if you want to lay a very large patio for instance.
F-i-L knows I have these skills and occasionally exploits them – the only problem is that whilst we both know what we’re doing, we don’t actually know what each other is doing. My way of doing things is very different to his. He thinks that mostly I’m wrong and tries to get me to do it his way. I mostly think that he is wrong and try to get him to do it my way.
And so it came to pass that last Sunday I spent from 10am until 4pm standing in a garden ‘discussing’ how we should set out the patio. We did break for lunch about 1 and thanks to M-i-L for a lovely roast but other than that we got pretty much nothing achieved…
Just for the record, if we’d have done it my way I’d have been done by 10:45….
Friday 2 November 2007
Persona
Many of may posts of late have had somewhat of a negative tone. Even in my last post I was putting myself down over the standard of my basic education.
I'm not an unhappy person. I am a realist that has seen what I think of as more than my fair share of problems in my life. I won't regain you with the many problems that I have had suffice it to say that I am still here and for the most part, still kicking.
I've told you all that I suffer from depression but when necessary it is an illness that can be controlled by drugs. I wasn't diagnosed until my mid 20's but after talking to the health professional I feel at ease with my illness. I stated to have bouts of both depress on and mania during puberty but it took a serious set of events and a knowledgeable friend to put me in touch with the medics. In short the medics believe it to be an inbalance or serotonin (the happy chemical) in my brain. Sometimes I get to much and become almost invincible. Other times I don't get enough and become embroiled in my own misery. For the most part I'm fine these days and I have learned to live with it and to recognise when I'm up, when I'm down and when I'm in equilibrium. Wifey also has learned to live with my illness and can reign me in when I'm out of balance.
It is at times a great illness to have. Being on an up is incredible. Nothing can stop me. I am the greatest! Men want to be my friend, women want to be my lover and as for work, I know how good I am and if you don't think so, who cares! Who would not want to be like that..
Being on a down is not so great - it's the great draw back of bi-polar disorder as the call it these days. Still, you can't have everything can you.
For the most part I'm, as our American cousins might say, 'a regular guy'. A guy with the normal hopes, aspirations, dreams and anxieties that other people have.
Just for the record I'm currently just a little on the high side of normal, although I have to thank Wifey for that :-)
I'm not an unhappy person. I am a realist that has seen what I think of as more than my fair share of problems in my life. I won't regain you with the many problems that I have had suffice it to say that I am still here and for the most part, still kicking.
I've told you all that I suffer from depression but when necessary it is an illness that can be controlled by drugs. I wasn't diagnosed until my mid 20's but after talking to the health professional I feel at ease with my illness. I stated to have bouts of both depress on and mania during puberty but it took a serious set of events and a knowledgeable friend to put me in touch with the medics. In short the medics believe it to be an inbalance or serotonin (the happy chemical) in my brain. Sometimes I get to much and become almost invincible. Other times I don't get enough and become embroiled in my own misery. For the most part I'm fine these days and I have learned to live with it and to recognise when I'm up, when I'm down and when I'm in equilibrium. Wifey also has learned to live with my illness and can reign me in when I'm out of balance.
It is at times a great illness to have. Being on an up is incredible. Nothing can stop me. I am the greatest! Men want to be my friend, women want to be my lover and as for work, I know how good I am and if you don't think so, who cares! Who would not want to be like that..
Being on a down is not so great - it's the great draw back of bi-polar disorder as the call it these days. Still, you can't have everything can you.
For the most part I'm, as our American cousins might say, 'a regular guy'. A guy with the normal hopes, aspirations, dreams and anxieties that other people have.
Just for the record I'm currently just a little on the high side of normal, although I have to thank Wifey for that :-)
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